Fucked in Love.

Not much since then until recently.

Had a date planned for the 28th with R whom I like an awful lot. Gay night out on the 27th with James and the gays; obviously pulled Meg and kissed her and overall, it was gay. She rejected me last minute and I got sad. Then, Alex tells me he's coming to visit to fuck me. I'm sort of indifferent and not really believing it.

Until he turns up. We fuck. It's average. He's actually a bit of a dick and he does not make me come. Instead, he gives me a lovebite despite me telling him not to.

I go to work on saturday morning after getting about 3 hours sleep.

Then I meet R and the date starts off a little slow and awkward, but it gets increasingly better and I like him very much and oh god I just want to be his girlfriend. We share intimate details and intense stories amongst laughter and flirting. He makes me feel at home. We go home, we have sex, it's brilliant despite not being able to orgasm. We awaken in the morning and he doesnt leave straight away. We talk, we make out. It's lovely, but he's probably seen my love bite which explains the underlying quiet awkwardness.

I get out of the taxi and know I am never going to see him again.

And of course my phone stops working so I cant even text him.

Fucking Alex has ruined things for me again. First, he almost ruins my 15 - 17 year old life, then he gets back in touch with me when I am 19 and flirts like mad and ruins my long term relationship. We eventually fuck again and he ruins a potentially awesome relationship. Why do I keep going back to him?

And then we go out again on monday night and I kiss a boy, but he asks me if i want to take him home and it is toooo early and i dont really even like him so I leave him. Then abit later I pull another boy and I am taking him home. Were dancing and then the first boy comes up to me and whispers in my ear. It takes me a while to register what he said.

'Slut'.

I feel like I have been stabbed suddenly in the chest, that word is used as a weapon and it penetrates me deep. I called him a cunt in return, but honestly it did not ease my pain.

Then my friends went home without me and ordered pizza without me.

Thank god I brought the boy home because damn did I need a good fuck.

But of course, I did not come again and I awoke feeling dirty and dejected.

Why doesnt R want me? This is why.

16th - 19th

16th

Awkward morning - resemblant of my own freshers.

Hangover.

Drunken sex in car with a black man who has a child and has been to prison.

Interesting, overall.

Potential rape of Danielle.

17th - not much really, hungover, didnt get with anyone, slept on couch.

18th - massive hangover, freshers fair, pizza hut, bridget jones.

19th - home.