A lot has happened since the last time I wrote. Too much to declare right now I guess. Plus I'm too sad and too drunk to even remember.
All I want to write about is Mollie.
I'm so emotionally invested in her and I absolutely shouldnt be because I mean nothing to her. She already has a girlfriend. I'm just locally convenient. I'm just a space to fill her hole. Literally.
It wasnt a problem. If anything, I was happy because I was getting what I wanted (sex and cuddles, laughs and sleepovers) without any of the shitty bits. Until tonight. I've slept with her 3 times this week. 3 times in 5 days and everytime I've stayed over. Twice I've made her come. Just me. No extras.
But tonight I think I fucked up. It just so happened that we were going out to the same place on the same night, so I saw her briefly. But I texted her before I saw her because Ben and his stupid fucking girlfriend came and sat with me and the girls for ages and despite nothing for him, it was still awkward.
She came to find me, We hugged and she went to dance. I eventually went to dance but didnt see her. Then went to the bar and she walked past, ruffled my hair and kissed my general lip/cheek area. Sort of a half kiss.
I was grinning like a fucking idiot.
Then I got a text. She'd left and hoped everything sorted itself out. Obviously this is in relation to Ben and my stupid fucking text message.
Blergh.
So I replied saying everything was cool and I hoped to see her tomorrow night at a social. She said 'like probably x'.
I've so fucked up and it's always a stupid boy's fault. But simultaneously this is my fault because what the fuck am I doing feeling things for her. What am I doing wasting my time on a girl that already has a girl .I should have just left it at sex and felt nothing. Now my friend are right and I'm sad.
It's a shame because I've liked her for ages and we were having so much fun and the sex was great and of course I wasnt going to pull anyone tonight with this massive fucking lovebite on my neck, which surprise surprise, is from her, from last night, where she accidentally called me her girlfriend and cuddled me forever.
Why am I not good enough?
Wednesday, 22 January 2014
Wednesday, 2 October 2013
Fucked in Love.
Not much since then until recently.
Had a date planned for the 28th with R whom I like an awful lot. Gay night out on the 27th with James and the gays; obviously pulled Meg and kissed her and overall, it was gay. She rejected me last minute and I got sad. Then, Alex tells me he's coming to visit to fuck me. I'm sort of indifferent and not really believing it.
Until he turns up. We fuck. It's average. He's actually a bit of a dick and he does not make me come. Instead, he gives me a lovebite despite me telling him not to.
I go to work on saturday morning after getting about 3 hours sleep.
Then I meet R and the date starts off a little slow and awkward, but it gets increasingly better and I like him very much and oh god I just want to be his girlfriend. We share intimate details and intense stories amongst laughter and flirting. He makes me feel at home. We go home, we have sex, it's brilliant despite not being able to orgasm. We awaken in the morning and he doesnt leave straight away. We talk, we make out. It's lovely, but he's probably seen my love bite which explains the underlying quiet awkwardness.
I get out of the taxi and know I am never going to see him again.
And of course my phone stops working so I cant even text him.
Fucking Alex has ruined things for me again. First, he almost ruins my 15 - 17 year old life, then he gets back in touch with me when I am 19 and flirts like mad and ruins my long term relationship. We eventually fuck again and he ruins a potentially awesome relationship. Why do I keep going back to him?
And then we go out again on monday night and I kiss a boy, but he asks me if i want to take him home and it is toooo early and i dont really even like him so I leave him. Then abit later I pull another boy and I am taking him home. Were dancing and then the first boy comes up to me and whispers in my ear. It takes me a while to register what he said.
'Slut'.
I feel like I have been stabbed suddenly in the chest, that word is used as a weapon and it penetrates me deep. I called him a cunt in return, but honestly it did not ease my pain.
Then my friends went home without me and ordered pizza without me.
Thank god I brought the boy home because damn did I need a good fuck.
But of course, I did not come again and I awoke feeling dirty and dejected.
Why doesnt R want me? This is why.
Had a date planned for the 28th with R whom I like an awful lot. Gay night out on the 27th with James and the gays; obviously pulled Meg and kissed her and overall, it was gay. She rejected me last minute and I got sad. Then, Alex tells me he's coming to visit to fuck me. I'm sort of indifferent and not really believing it.
Until he turns up. We fuck. It's average. He's actually a bit of a dick and he does not make me come. Instead, he gives me a lovebite despite me telling him not to.
I go to work on saturday morning after getting about 3 hours sleep.
Then I meet R and the date starts off a little slow and awkward, but it gets increasingly better and I like him very much and oh god I just want to be his girlfriend. We share intimate details and intense stories amongst laughter and flirting. He makes me feel at home. We go home, we have sex, it's brilliant despite not being able to orgasm. We awaken in the morning and he doesnt leave straight away. We talk, we make out. It's lovely, but he's probably seen my love bite which explains the underlying quiet awkwardness.
I get out of the taxi and know I am never going to see him again.
And of course my phone stops working so I cant even text him.
Fucking Alex has ruined things for me again. First, he almost ruins my 15 - 17 year old life, then he gets back in touch with me when I am 19 and flirts like mad and ruins my long term relationship. We eventually fuck again and he ruins a potentially awesome relationship. Why do I keep going back to him?
And then we go out again on monday night and I kiss a boy, but he asks me if i want to take him home and it is toooo early and i dont really even like him so I leave him. Then abit later I pull another boy and I am taking him home. Were dancing and then the first boy comes up to me and whispers in my ear. It takes me a while to register what he said.
'Slut'.
I feel like I have been stabbed suddenly in the chest, that word is used as a weapon and it penetrates me deep. I called him a cunt in return, but honestly it did not ease my pain.
Then my friends went home without me and ordered pizza without me.
Thank god I brought the boy home because damn did I need a good fuck.
But of course, I did not come again and I awoke feeling dirty and dejected.
Why doesnt R want me? This is why.
16th - 19th
16th
Awkward morning - resemblant of my own freshers.
Hangover.
Drunken sex in car with a black man who has a child and has been to prison.
Interesting, overall.
Potential rape of Danielle.
17th - not much really, hungover, didnt get with anyone, slept on couch.
18th - massive hangover, freshers fair, pizza hut, bridget jones.
19th - home.
Awkward morning - resemblant of my own freshers.
Hangover.
Drunken sex in car with a black man who has a child and has been to prison.
Interesting, overall.
Potential rape of Danielle.
17th - not much really, hungover, didnt get with anyone, slept on couch.
18th - massive hangover, freshers fair, pizza hut, bridget jones.
19th - home.
Friday, 20 September 2013
15th
I arrived in Birmingham after an exhausting day and a 3 hour train journey. We chilled a little and I met two of her housemates; Marilyn and Max. I'm in lust with Max and it hit me as soon as I saw him. He is a gorgeous male.
We had tea and got ready for this pirate party. Pre-drinking happened and Goodman arrived which was scarily weird because she's so different (probably due to the drugs she takes). Then we went out to this event and it was seriously the best night out I've had in such a long time. I can't really describe it in words but there was a lot of fuzziness, drinking, dancing, smoking, making new friends and dancing. I felt so happy being there.
Then the event ended and so we came home and had bacon sandwiches and talked some more. I tried my hardest to be alone with Max at every possible occasion and to be honest, it reminded me a lot of my own freshers because once again, there I was chasing a boy into bed. A boy that I would like to have a relationship with. I also knew that I shouldn't have been chasing him into bed.
We talked a little about sexuality and he relayed that he was bi (which is an image I cant get out of my head and I find myself being turned on at inappropriate times thinking of him with me and another guy). Anyway Danielle began tidying and Max said he was going to head to bed so, being the opportunistic little hussy that I am, I declared I was going to put my pjs on ergo we were alone in the corridor heading in the same direction.
His door was before Danielle's and he so he paused outside it with his hand on the handle, saying goodnight to me. I said goodnight. Then I went for it. I told him that I was embarrassed but that I had been wanting to kiss him all night. I was walking towards Danielle's room as I said this because I was genuinely embarrassed. Anyway he didnt reply for what seemed like a century but he was obviously thinking about it because he hadnt left yet.
This time I had my hand on the handle when he said 'ok, come here then' and so I spun around away from the door and his lips were placed firmly against mine. We were kissing. Danielle's very attractive housemate was kissing me and I had no idea what was going to happen next. We kissed for a very long time and then he began to kiss my neck a little before returning to my lips. I was so cautious of Danielle finding us and being all 'what the fuck' and I really didnt want her disturbing the kiss or making it awkward so, whilst still being kissed, I opened the door to Danielle's room and took a seat on her bed and said it was fine, we could just sit down and kiss. Then Max proposed the better idea of going into his room. My intentions were mostly innocent. I really wasnt expecting sex.
The kissing commenced and then my dress was coming off. I think I asked him if this was really happening but being drunk I don't really remember everything and it might be awkward if I tried to corroborate with him about this....so, we'll just go with what I can remember and I'll skim over the other bits. At some point we both fully undressed and then he was hard and we were still kissing. Oooh and he went down on me. That's another thing that I absolutely cant stop picturing. Just seeing his head down there and feeling his breath on my most intimate bits was alot to take in. Infact, when he began to bite me on my inner thighs I thought I might die. (I still retain a mark even now, 5 days later). I returned the favour and then he was getting a condom and the sex thing was definitely going to happen.
He put it on then inserted himself and oh it felt oh so good. The best part is that he still kissed me sometimes while we were fucking and when he wasnt kissing me he was muffling me which really gets me going. At some point we switched positions so I was on top and it was good...for a bit. While it was good I made him promise that it wouldnt be awkward in the morning. Being on top didnt work so well though because we were horribly drunk and tired. I went down on him alot and it kept coming back to life but there was nothing substantial enough. I had a few mini-gasms but he didnt finish at all which is a shame.
Somehow we mutually decided to just leave it and I got dressed and left. Danielle was zonked and I was laid for such a long time with a smile on my face.
I wish I remembered how he looked while we were fucking.
I wish I remembered how he felt against my skin.
We had tea and got ready for this pirate party. Pre-drinking happened and Goodman arrived which was scarily weird because she's so different (probably due to the drugs she takes). Then we went out to this event and it was seriously the best night out I've had in such a long time. I can't really describe it in words but there was a lot of fuzziness, drinking, dancing, smoking, making new friends and dancing. I felt so happy being there.
Then the event ended and so we came home and had bacon sandwiches and talked some more. I tried my hardest to be alone with Max at every possible occasion and to be honest, it reminded me a lot of my own freshers because once again, there I was chasing a boy into bed. A boy that I would like to have a relationship with. I also knew that I shouldn't have been chasing him into bed.
We talked a little about sexuality and he relayed that he was bi (which is an image I cant get out of my head and I find myself being turned on at inappropriate times thinking of him with me and another guy). Anyway Danielle began tidying and Max said he was going to head to bed so, being the opportunistic little hussy that I am, I declared I was going to put my pjs on ergo we were alone in the corridor heading in the same direction.
His door was before Danielle's and he so he paused outside it with his hand on the handle, saying goodnight to me. I said goodnight. Then I went for it. I told him that I was embarrassed but that I had been wanting to kiss him all night. I was walking towards Danielle's room as I said this because I was genuinely embarrassed. Anyway he didnt reply for what seemed like a century but he was obviously thinking about it because he hadnt left yet.
This time I had my hand on the handle when he said 'ok, come here then' and so I spun around away from the door and his lips were placed firmly against mine. We were kissing. Danielle's very attractive housemate was kissing me and I had no idea what was going to happen next. We kissed for a very long time and then he began to kiss my neck a little before returning to my lips. I was so cautious of Danielle finding us and being all 'what the fuck' and I really didnt want her disturbing the kiss or making it awkward so, whilst still being kissed, I opened the door to Danielle's room and took a seat on her bed and said it was fine, we could just sit down and kiss. Then Max proposed the better idea of going into his room. My intentions were mostly innocent. I really wasnt expecting sex.
The kissing commenced and then my dress was coming off. I think I asked him if this was really happening but being drunk I don't really remember everything and it might be awkward if I tried to corroborate with him about this....so, we'll just go with what I can remember and I'll skim over the other bits. At some point we both fully undressed and then he was hard and we were still kissing. Oooh and he went down on me. That's another thing that I absolutely cant stop picturing. Just seeing his head down there and feeling his breath on my most intimate bits was alot to take in. Infact, when he began to bite me on my inner thighs I thought I might die. (I still retain a mark even now, 5 days later). I returned the favour and then he was getting a condom and the sex thing was definitely going to happen.
He put it on then inserted himself and oh it felt oh so good. The best part is that he still kissed me sometimes while we were fucking and when he wasnt kissing me he was muffling me which really gets me going. At some point we switched positions so I was on top and it was good...for a bit. While it was good I made him promise that it wouldnt be awkward in the morning. Being on top didnt work so well though because we were horribly drunk and tired. I went down on him alot and it kept coming back to life but there was nothing substantial enough. I had a few mini-gasms but he didnt finish at all which is a shame.
Somehow we mutually decided to just leave it and I got dressed and left. Danielle was zonked and I was laid for such a long time with a smile on my face.
I wish I remembered how he looked while we were fucking.
I wish I remembered how he felt against my skin.
w/c 11 - 15th
I worked and then visited home on the 11th. I love going home and just feeling secure. Then I had to come back for work on friday. Then I packed and went home again.
Saturday at 6.30 - 'uncle' simon picked me up and took me to a relative's wedding. Awks. 'is this your new partner?'
Debate with mother over transgenders.
Work on sunday and then straight to Danielle's in Birmingham for the besttt weeekkkk evaaaa!!
Saturday at 6.30 - 'uncle' simon picked me up and took me to a relative's wedding. Awks. 'is this your new partner?'
Debate with mother over transgenders.
Work on sunday and then straight to Danielle's in Birmingham for the besttt weeekkkk evaaaa!!
8th September
We didnt get in until 6am and I was too wasted to try it on with Danielle so I did not get any sex. :(
I apologised to Jake because I had about 16 messages from him wondering where I'd gone and telling me that I looked awesome and then I went to work. until 5.
I had no texts from Ryan at all but I wasnt willing to let him go that easily so I broke the ice and texted first.
Eventually he replied and so I rushed to get ready. It wasnt awkward at all when we met and throughout the night it just got better. I didnt go to bed until 2am and there was absolutely no physical contact whatsoever and I felt satisfied just talking and getting to know him.
I have secured a second date....watch this space.
I apologised to Jake because I had about 16 messages from him wondering where I'd gone and telling me that I looked awesome and then I went to work. until 5.
I had no texts from Ryan at all but I wasnt willing to let him go that easily so I broke the ice and texted first.
Eventually he replied and so I rushed to get ready. It wasnt awkward at all when we met and throughout the night it just got better. I didnt go to bed until 2am and there was absolutely no physical contact whatsoever and I felt satisfied just talking and getting to know him.
I have secured a second date....watch this space.
7th september
I've had such a busy two weeks so this is going to be a loooooong post, but I'll try section it off with dates.
September has just been fantastic so far although my sex count has risen to the mid-20's.
On the 7th I had my first day of training for my new voluntary job. There's not much to say about it other than how ridiculously excited I am to begin. Plus I sat with some lovely girls/women and maybe I'll acquire some new friends. Wouldn't that be nice.
I am literally hellbent on making new friends this year and absolutely not getting sucked into any house A drama. They can think what they want of me. I don't care; I just need to get out. I don't even really like them and now I'm not with Ben anymore, there's seems little point making an effort. I mean, sure, I'll go out and give birthday money and clean....but I doubt I'll be staying in touch after july.
After my training I met Beth and we did a bit of shopping. Eventually Danielle arrived and we began preparing for our night out because it's been so long since I've seen the both of them together. Now it was a while ago so I'll cut to the important bits haha but at about 9pm I was waaaastedddd.So we went out to Evil Eye and had a pitcher and then we went to Fibbers! Fibbers has actually become a really good place where I quite like going (but maybe that's because both times I've been someone has found me attractive). Now because I was drunk and had a free house I messaged Jake to see if he was out because he's beautiful and good at sex. Coincidentally, he was and I found him. We did some kissing and dancing but he does get a little over-protective so I was like 'I'll find you before I leave; I'm going to dance with my friends'... and before you the read the rest and judge me..I was totally going to find him before I left.
But then I made a pass at Danielle in the bathroom and she rejected me. (She full on claims that she had no idea what was happening but..eh crazy drunk girl got rejected either way) and so that made me feel funny. I found Beth and we went outside and I cried a little. I had a cigarette and a shot and probably kissed Jake again. Then, and I'm not sure how this happened, but I met another boy.
Ryan.
Ryan must have been interesting because I seemed to spend all of my time talking to him and laughing with him. We kissed and conversed and not once did he try to get in my pants/take me home. He was gentlemanly and asked me to dance. Then we were outside smoking and talking again and....he asked me on a date. A real date. At 8 outside the minster. I was mindblown and attached to this Ryan.....
and I had completely forgotten/disregarded Jake.
I was a real bitch to Jake but he'll get over it I guess. Afterall, I would have been just another random fuck.
September has just been fantastic so far although my sex count has risen to the mid-20's.
On the 7th I had my first day of training for my new voluntary job. There's not much to say about it other than how ridiculously excited I am to begin. Plus I sat with some lovely girls/women and maybe I'll acquire some new friends. Wouldn't that be nice.
I am literally hellbent on making new friends this year and absolutely not getting sucked into any house A drama. They can think what they want of me. I don't care; I just need to get out. I don't even really like them and now I'm not with Ben anymore, there's seems little point making an effort. I mean, sure, I'll go out and give birthday money and clean....but I doubt I'll be staying in touch after july.
After my training I met Beth and we did a bit of shopping. Eventually Danielle arrived and we began preparing for our night out because it's been so long since I've seen the both of them together. Now it was a while ago so I'll cut to the important bits haha but at about 9pm I was waaaastedddd.So we went out to Evil Eye and had a pitcher and then we went to Fibbers! Fibbers has actually become a really good place where I quite like going (but maybe that's because both times I've been someone has found me attractive). Now because I was drunk and had a free house I messaged Jake to see if he was out because he's beautiful and good at sex. Coincidentally, he was and I found him. We did some kissing and dancing but he does get a little over-protective so I was like 'I'll find you before I leave; I'm going to dance with my friends'... and before you the read the rest and judge me..I was totally going to find him before I left.
But then I made a pass at Danielle in the bathroom and she rejected me. (She full on claims that she had no idea what was happening but..eh crazy drunk girl got rejected either way) and so that made me feel funny. I found Beth and we went outside and I cried a little. I had a cigarette and a shot and probably kissed Jake again. Then, and I'm not sure how this happened, but I met another boy.
Ryan.
Ryan must have been interesting because I seemed to spend all of my time talking to him and laughing with him. We kissed and conversed and not once did he try to get in my pants/take me home. He was gentlemanly and asked me to dance. Then we were outside smoking and talking again and....he asked me on a date. A real date. At 8 outside the minster. I was mindblown and attached to this Ryan.....
and I had completely forgotten/disregarded Jake.
I was a real bitch to Jake but he'll get over it I guess. Afterall, I would have been just another random fuck.
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