Crazy

It's funny isnt it, how you think you know someone and you think they like you and then when the slightest bit of difference, the slightest bit of trouble comes along they stop liking you, just long enough to talk about you. Or they argue with you, make out youre crazy, youre a liar.

I'm so sick of it all.

So sick of being called crazy.

So sick of being left behind.

I'm 20 in 13 days and yet I feel like I'm 15 again.

I feel like I'm going mad.

Ben basically told me I was invisible, withdrawing, a slut and emotionally unstable. He doesnt remember me with fondness and he has nothing to say to me. I'm not the same as the other girls and he's happy to keep it that way.

God I wish I'd never got involved with him.

I am not a whore

I fucked him again. It was our third 'date' and I fucked him. Again. 

But it's so difficult not to, especially as his sex drive matches mine and he's always touching and twitching and titillating me. 

My self-control is abysmal. I tell him it's not happening and five minutes later he tries again and that time, I allow him entry. I let him fuck me even though I don't want him to. 

I'm raping myself. 

And then he fucks me and I moan and sure, it feels good in my vagina and I come if i touch myself the right way, but apart from that, I feel nothing. I do not want to be having sex with him, I just need to orgasm. Then, because he has amazing stamina, I feel compelled to keep going til he comes, even though I'm done already. I think I prefer Ben actually, at least he was done quick and left me to it. At least I knew I was making him happy. 

This whole situation is confusing me, because what am I? 

I'm not his girlfriend. I'm not his fuckbuddy - if I was we wouldnt 'date'. I'm just some girl he just fucks every now and then, but if I am, again, why take me on dates? Why not just fuck me? 

I shall not have sex with him next time. Even if he tries really hard and makes me really wet. 

I shall not let him inside me. 

I want so desperately to write.

If it's a broken heart then face it.

He doesnt text me back.
He ignores me.
He ignores me in social situations. 

What is so wrong with me?

It's time I started writing again, purely to keep myself sane. Or rather to prevent my sanity from unravelling. I'm not altogether in a dark place but I can feel myself shifting in that direction and so here I am, once more.