Oh my!

So, now I'm dating a different guy. Or rather I'm not.

The previous guy was L and I got bored of him and he didnt suit me so now M has come along and I'm going to be honest, I like him. Or rather I did, but we'll get to that.

M keeps alot of things secret; he's very quiet and to some degree I like that. We've had 2 official dates but I call it three and we've fucked twice. Both times were exactly the same except the second time he actually made me come. The first time it happened he gave me a massage but there was no other foreplay whereas the second time, there was nothing at all. He just stuck it in and fucked me the way he used to fuck his ex. Overall, disappointing.

But we can work on that. Or rather we could have worked on that but I feel like he's got everything he wanted from me and so that's it. This is all because I called him up and asked if we were exclusive and he said no, were playing it cool.

Playing. it. Cool.

Essentially, I am the 'it'. He is playing me. It is cool for him.

Still, I'm glad I know where I stand because before, I really liked him and I was getting attached but now, I am aloof.

We can go on another date. Or we can not.

I care little because come October there will be many new societies and many new friends.

I do not need M and his closed off personality and his boring sex.

Maybe I am a little bitter because I thought it would go somewhere but I think I'm honestly glad that it probably wont. 

Crazy

It's funny isnt it, how you think you know someone and you think they like you and then when the slightest bit of difference, the slightest bit of trouble comes along they stop liking you, just long enough to talk about you. Or they argue with you, make out youre crazy, youre a liar.

I'm so sick of it all.

So sick of being called crazy.

So sick of being left behind.

I'm 20 in 13 days and yet I feel like I'm 15 again.

I feel like I'm going mad.

Ben basically told me I was invisible, withdrawing, a slut and emotionally unstable. He doesnt remember me with fondness and he has nothing to say to me. I'm not the same as the other girls and he's happy to keep it that way.

God I wish I'd never got involved with him.

I am not a whore

I fucked him again. It was our third 'date' and I fucked him. Again. 

But it's so difficult not to, especially as his sex drive matches mine and he's always touching and twitching and titillating me. 

My self-control is abysmal. I tell him it's not happening and five minutes later he tries again and that time, I allow him entry. I let him fuck me even though I don't want him to. 

I'm raping myself. 

And then he fucks me and I moan and sure, it feels good in my vagina and I come if i touch myself the right way, but apart from that, I feel nothing. I do not want to be having sex with him, I just need to orgasm. Then, because he has amazing stamina, I feel compelled to keep going til he comes, even though I'm done already. I think I prefer Ben actually, at least he was done quick and left me to it. At least I knew I was making him happy. 

This whole situation is confusing me, because what am I? 

I'm not his girlfriend. I'm not his fuckbuddy - if I was we wouldnt 'date'. I'm just some girl he just fucks every now and then, but if I am, again, why take me on dates? Why not just fuck me? 

I shall not have sex with him next time. Even if he tries really hard and makes me really wet. 

I shall not let him inside me. 

I want so desperately to write.

If it's a broken heart then face it.

He doesnt text me back.
He ignores me.
He ignores me in social situations. 

What is so wrong with me?

It's time I started writing again, purely to keep myself sane. Or rather to prevent my sanity from unravelling. I'm not altogether in a dark place but I can feel myself shifting in that direction and so here I am, once more.